Real-life example: You’re at a casual team lunch, and everyone orders food freely. You pick the “healthiest” option not because you want it, but because you think it’s the “proper” choice. You avoid laughing too loudly, double-check every word before speaking, and leave feeling drained. In relationships, shoulds/musts can look like holding your partner or friends to unrealistic behavioral standards — correcting them constantly, or quietly resenting them for “breaking the rules,” which strains trust and closeness.

What the research shows: The study found a strong negative correlation (r = –0.569, p < 0.001) between shoulds and self-confidence. The stricter the internal (or external) rule-keeping, the lower the confidence. This mindset creates dependence on external approval and limits independent decision-making, while amplifying fear of disapproval.

Why it matters (and what helps): Rules and standards are useful, but when they become a mental prison, they shrink confidence and authenticity. This is especially true for “Should Statements” — rigid demands you place on yourself or others (“I should always do the right thing”, “People must treat me fairly”). Such demands create constant internal pressure, turn flexibility into guilt, and make self-worth dependent on perfect compliance with the rules.
Here’s how to start: